Calling it.

(Sorry if anyone sees like three blank posts by this name in your reader. I was trying to blog from Kevin's iPad, which proved to be impossible -- the iPad's Safari browser doesn't recognize that the area in which you type your post is an area in which it should bring up a keyboard, and I managed to publish a few blank posts while trying to make it cooperate.)

(On that note, is there a good blogging app for the iPad? I like Blogpress for my iPhone, and have also used Blogwriter, but neither of those exist for the iPad.)

I've officially quit nursing. I'm feeling an odd mix of sadness and relief about it. The past two months have been rough, what with losing my supply and then getting it (mostly) back, only to have Lorelai develop the unfortunate habits of biting down hard to signal she's done (what's wrong with just letting go, kid?) and thrashing about any time I try to use a nursing cover, which means I can't nurse in public/around others anymore (so she's been getting more and more bottles because I'm not going to go hide in another room every time she needs to eat when we're out, and if I want to keep my supply I have to then pump as soon as we get home to make up for the missed feeding, so blarg to that). I'm having to supplement each feeding with a couple ounces of formula anyway, so really I was hanging on to nursing out of a combination of stubbornness and a desire to maintain that snuggly bond. But the snuggling doesn't happen anymore (see above, RE: thrashing) and I'm sick of being bitten. (The past couple of days she's decided that the left side is good for biting only -- she won't even try to nurse, she just chomps down and then grins at me. Brat.)

So today, I told Kevin I was done. He'd suggested the last time I mentioned this that maybe I should take it to the end of the year, get a clean break on January 1 just because why not make it an even end-of-month thing, but I honestly think that would be harder for me. This way, the last time I nursed her, I didn't know it was the last time, so I wasn't trying to make it into a beautiful, magical, take-a-snapshot-with-my-mind moment (which it inevitably wouldn't have been, what with the thrashing and biting), so there's no frustration about that.

I just put her to bed without nursing her first for the first time ever. I gave her a bottle, read her a book, put her in her crib. I did cry a little, I'll admit. I am sad that there will be no more snuggly nursing sessions, with her little hand gripping the edge of my tank top while I kiss the top of her head and breathe in the smell of baby shampoo, but the fact is, it hasn't been like that in months. Lately, instead of holding my shirt, she's been pinching and smacking my boob if my letdown doesn't come as fast as she'd like it to. I haven't been able to kiss the top of her head while she nurses because if I don't hold her just so, she gets distracted and pops off and then I drip milk all over both of us while I try to get her back on.

So, no more breastfeeding. I miss the way it used to be, but I am mostly relieved to be throwing in the towel on the pain in the ass that it's been the past couple of months. And I'm proud of myself for being able to admit that it's time to be done, instead of trying to force something that wasn't making anyone happy. I'm a stubborn person, so to be able to say, "You know what? It's not worth it" is a big step for me.

Anyway, enough about my boobs.

Obviously I failed at my goal of blogging daily this month. Even though at the beginning of the month I said, "Oh, if I don't have time or don't feel like posting, I can just put up a cute picture of the baby!", I learned that sometimes I would forget to post, and other times I did not have the time or energy for even a picture-only post. (This past week was one of those times. Gads, it was a busy week.)

But, you know, whatever. I still managed to blog more often than I have since Lorelai came into the picture, so that's something. Something I'm going to try to keep up in 2012.

Probably everyone is going to be doing resolution posts in the next week or so. I'm not going to do an official one; partly because I don't really do resolutions and partly because the few I do have are not enough to create an entire post about. So I'll do a resolution paragraph(s) instead:

1) Kevin and I have decided to each lost 10 pounds by Lorelai's birthday. That will put me back at my pre-baby weight, and if I can get there, I plan to go another five to seven pounds, because my pre-baby weight was the heaviest I'd been to that point and I really miss being a size six. (I know, boo-freaking-hoo, I'm complaining about being an eight now, but you know, for someone who's used to being 10 or more pounds UNDER the recommended weight for her height [5'7"], because that's just how my body used to be no matter what I did, being AT the recommended weight for my height is jarring. And if I lose 15-17 pounds, it'll put me at or just slightly below the recommended weight for my height, and I'll be thrilled.)

2) I want to blog at roughly the rate I've been blogging this month -- I won't aim for daily, but a few times a week will be good.

3) I want to slow down. I need to stop and smell the proverbial roses more, to focus on the present rather than the future, and I'm really going to try to focus on that this year. I'm going to try to stop taking on more than I can handle and then forcing myself to do it all even though there's no way I can do it and stay sane. It's not fair to me or to my family for me to be a burned-out bundle of frayed nerves half the time, so I'm not going to be. Or at least, I'm going to try not to bed. We'll see how that works out.

What about you all? What are your resolutions, and do you think you'll actually keep them?